Check out my story if you can!
https://www.wattpad.com/story/165697040-rhymes-of-the-stars
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"In order to shine the brightest, you need to step over others even if it means they’re demise."
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My light of hope was my sister. She had been taking care of me to the best of her ability even though she was only a few years older. Unfortunately she died from a simple common cold. She was taking care of herself and me because we had nobody to support us. She overworked herself to death. On my tenth birthday, a year before her passing, she got me a nicer gift. She said something about being double digits and she wouldn't let me decline.
Her gift was a necklace pendant that you could tell was expensive. I still remember how it looks clearly. It took all her saving if I remember correctly to get made. On the outside was a dove on both sides. My sister said they were a sign of hope. On the inside was a picture of me. In my whole life, that was the best gift anyone could give me. Even when I got that full-ride scholarship, it didn't matter.
I didn't have anything to live for. My motivation was only my sister's last words. She told me "live on carrying my hopes and dreams for you". She always wanted me to graduate college so I did exactly that. I wanted to give up so many times but I pushed through so my sister could rest in peace. After a certain point though I only lived to graduate. I couldn't find a purpose or reason to live on anymore. I gave up because nobody was there to be my purpose and I had nobody to rely on. My life had no reason or meaning.
Everyone always says to follow the white light when you die but all I felt was as if my body sunk into the depths of darkness. I've lost all feeling and for once in my life, I could let go of the light inside me forcing me to be great. I didn't have to be the perfect student anymore. I didn't have to cater to anyone's desires anymore. It was as if I could finally zone out the world and I had no regrets. If this was how I was going out, so be it. It was as if my body sunk into the abyss and I was gone.
Ever since the day I was born, there was always this deep feeling in the pit of my soul that made me feel like I didn't belong. Even when I did my absolute best to blend in, I felt like a sheep trying to wear wolf skin. This feeling would only grow as I went through life. It went from a tropical storm of feelings to a full-on monster category 5 hurricane over the course of my life. At first, I thought it was simply just a childhood problem.
Once I hit puberty, the childhood problem only intensified. I tried to continually convince myself that I was fine all of the time but my self-talk simply wouldn't work. It especially hurt when people would single me out and make me feel bad when I did something different than the crowd. I could never truly be myself. How was that even fair? I lost every time when I played the game exactly the same way as the winner.
I understand that life wasn't fair but living a life that makes you feel less than worth isn't something I want to continue living. I just wish the pain would go away so I could live in peace but sadly life wasn't a fairy tale. Life was more like a struggle that was a tightrope that if you fell off would lead to an abyss of a never-ending cycle of sadness mixed in with disappointment. I felt like I was living a Grimm fairy tale because everything seemed fine but was truly terrible.
The support that others got made their lives like a true fairy tale with fairy godmothers. I, on the other hand, desperately needed assistance. Just because I looked like I had everything together according to others, that didn't mean it was true. I always tirelessly worked myself to death. I gave my life trying to reach perfection but was never recognized. Always on the bottom of everyone's list and I was always the last chosen. As I submerged my head and closed my eyes, I made a small smile. It was my time to let it all go as everyone in my family had.
My eyes open again and I realize I'm alive. Instead of being angry, I cry tears of joy. It seemed I was ready to give up but that stubborn part of me couldn't let go. Although I still felt like myself, everything seemed different. I soon realize that I'm not in my 22-year-old body but one of a child. My surroundings also seemed to change to a neighborhood in ruins and I seemed to be the only living thing here. All the stress I held on to and the hopeless feeling I had felt was gone. As I looked down at my youthful body, I slowly stood up.
Everything around me was in ruins but there was a sort of peacefulness being here. If this was where I would spend the rest of eternity, it was good for me. An eternity in peacefulness was fine for me. It wasn't like anyone in the world ever wanted me. I walk around before I find a decently sized piece of a shattered mirror. It seems the ruins I was in were some house of sorts. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a face I hardly recognized looking back. It was the face of my ten-year-old self when life wasn't as depressing. Don't get me wrong, my whole life was a wreck but there was a ray of hope in my life until I was 11.
This 11-year old boy's body was weird. It was mine but being this short again was just off. My bleached hair, straight hair was now the original black curly hair I started with. My brown caramel skin looked unblemished and nice again. I was even wearing my favorite power rangers shirt with the blue ranger on it and some black sweat pants to match it. I guess the one positive was the necklace my sister gave me was around my neck. I quickly hid it under my shirt.
Eventually I looked away from the mirror and continued to walk. I just assumed I was in some sort of limbo and my life would flash past me. I was lost and without purpose so I could only wander aimlessly. As I passed through the neighborhood the house belonged to, everything was destroyed. There was no house that was in good condition. It was as if a battle had raged through here to cause all this destruction.
